Not many things make me wish I was a teenager again, apart from maybe living at home and having my own personal slave (hi, mum). But recently Junior Apprentice has left me reeling for my youth. I wanna sit in front of Lord Sugar and spout lines such as “I won’t sit on the fence”, and “getting my point across is one of my biggest strengths” and then get handed trillions of pounds to set up my own business selling quirky animal hats.
All the contestants apparently have the combined age of 90 and with faces so fresh you wouldn’t be surprised if the next scene cut to them drinking their mothers breast milk. The boys mustaches and beards are definitely dotted on with biro and I can’t help but dislike how at ease and comfortable they are with their own hair dos when I had to suffer until my early 20s adjusting to my curly frizz.
But one contestant, not surprisingly, stands out from the rest. Super bitch Zoe is as slippery as her Superdrug red lips (see below). Seeing her maul the other kids takes me back to the school toilets and having to duck into a broken cubicle to avoid their sarky faces.
I admit, Zoe is the biggest reason I wish I could go on Junior Apprentice. While I rewind and fast forward iPlayer I find myself going over come-backs I could helpfully dish out to the other kids so we could extract our nerd revenge on Zoe. Since when has anyone aged 16 got away with wearing red lipstick anyway?
I feel like maybe Lord Sugar would like my Essex wit and cheeky banter. I’d say stuff like, “at the end of the day, i’m just passionate about business” and be mean to the other contestants and then casually say, “business is dog eat dog, Lord Sugar” and somehow get away with being evil.
But for now I’ll have to take solitude in Junior Masterchief catchups as the first season of Junior Apprentice bows out, taking the last of the “I want to give it my all” speeches with them (or, well, until The Apprentice with Grown Ups starts).
Who will be the next Junior Apprentice? YOU decide. Wait, wrong show…
Words – Katie Coleslaw